studying cancer

When my mom was being treated for cancer, I learned a whole lot about how both the disease and the treatments affect people. What I didn’t focus on—and truly didn’t have the time or energy to focus on—was the disease itself. I knew the basics, of course. But I didn’t stop to think about how or why cancer is triggered. Nor did I consider if any of the research that’s been done reveals any solid patterns, or if we’re still basically in the dark (especially about prevention).

One of my dear friends was diagnosed with breast cancer just before Christmas. She is only 37, lives what is supposedly a healthy lifestyle, and there’s no history of the disease in her family. How does that happen? And why does it have to happen to someone who is already amidst the challenges of being a first-time mother (her adorable son was born last summer)? There is probably no answer to the latter question, but I wonder what science would say about the former.

Maybe it’s time I picked up The Emperor of All Maladies. But not until my friend is through her treatment, is fully healed, and all of us who care about her breath a collective sigh of relief. 

february freak outs

It’s a pattern I’ve noticed in the past few years. If I’m going to freak out about the state of my life, I’ll do so in February. This year has been no exception. I’ve had too much to do, and I’ve had to accomplish most of it on my own, which has made me feel weary, alone, and a little bewildered.

Yet there is another pattern. It’s my recovery time. I’m able to reset and achieve clarity in less time and with less despair.

This year the clarity I’ve found has to do with two things. One of them I don’t need to discuss here. The other is about achieving greater balance. I have to keep paring down and pruning back some activities, commitments and connections.

My Twitter stream needs to be more svelte (don’t worry, people who I think might read my blog won’t be cut).

I need to play fewer games on my phone (Words With Friends will remain, all the other social games need to go).

And I need to read more books that I want to read, rather than books I am being asked to read for one reason or another.

Those are just a few of the little changes I need to make to feel better. And if they stick, maybe next February break the freak out cycle. 

color is fun

Target’s Color Changes Everything does feel a bit like it was borrowing from Kate Spade’s Live Colorfully campaign, but it’s still fun, fun, fun. I wish I had been one of the colorful characters in the spot.

a sanctuary and a prison

When I gave a certain almost-eight-year-old girl a journal recently, I did so to help her have a way to deal with having a bad mood or feeling sad about something. Journals can be perfect for that sort of thing. Especially when you’re young and don’t have a good grasp on how to be productive with your emotions. Yet I hope that if she continues to use a journal, writing in it will never become a substitute for being open with the people in her life, nor will it be a place for waking wish fulfillment.

It did for me.

There were so many things I wrote down in journals that should have expressed to people who needed or wanted to hear how I felt or what was on my mind. But once words were written on the page, I rarely had the desire to say them aloud. I felt I had accomplished something, when really, I was still just inside my own head.

The same sort of dynamic occurred with hopes and dreams. Sometimes the very act of journaling about those things made me feel they were coming to pass. Like I was writing prayers, and could just sit back and wait for them to be answered.

None of this helped me live the way I really wanted to live.

Nor, sometimes, does blogging.

I realize that I’ve sometimes posted when I should be communicating about something—or working through it—in real life.

And it’s time I stopped that sort of thing.

I am old enough to know better.

And I hope K will know better sooner than I did. 

I need a hero

That is all.

butterfly impressions

I am sorry to be writing this after the Portland Opera’s run of Madame Butterfly has ended. I wish you could have seen Kelly Kaduce as the title character. She really did bring the character’s emotions and outlook to life. And she seems to be a stronger performer than she was when I saw her in La Bohéme. I just don’t remember her voice being as captivating as it was last night. Incredible, incredible, incredible.

Sara and Chris thought it was one of the best operas we’ve seen, and although I think Kaduce’s performance was one of the best, the overall production isn’t at the top of my list.

I was disappointed by the set design, which is usually something that captivates me. I’ve noticed that PO sets tend to include a contemporary or unusual design twist in even the most traditional operas, and I appreciate that. I’ve learned that I enjoy being both visually AND aurally enchanted by an opera.

In general, I’ve also discovered that modern operas resonate with me more than the classics. I can appreciate the classics and am always glad I’ve seen them. Yet it’s operas like Orphée and Hansel and Gretel and last season’s production of Carmina Burana (which featured modern dance company Body Vox) that I enjoy most and that remain most vivid in my memory.

Back to Madame Butterfly, there were two more notable members of the production. The first is the child who played Butterfly’s son. I am amazed that a child so young could remember and willingly participate in so many scenes during the second and third acts (read more about the pair of kids who shared the role). The second is Conductor Anne Manson. She’s a joy to watch, and the orchestras she leads are a joy to hear. I am looking forward to her participation in the upcoming production of Galileo Galilei.

I’m looking forward to writing about that opera experience, too.   

non-victims

Who are you listening to?

The bank that says you can have a house, or a better house, or a bigger house?

The car manufacturers that say you need a newer, fancier car?

The credit card companies that say you can have it all?

If you’re listening to them, take a moment to consider if they’re being completely honest with you.

Yes, you might be able to have it all, but at what cost?

There’s no reason or rule requiring you to bend to the wills of any institution that says you need to live in a way that causes you to constantly be worried about money.

In other words, no one is forcing you to beyond your means.

You don’t need to keep up with the Jones or anyone else for that matter.

You don’t need to pursue the American dream.

You can dream whatever dream you want.

So what if it looks different?

Dreaming your own dream, and living the life that is comfortable for you given your particular circumstances, are acts of being true to yourself.

Now that’s the responsible thing to do. 

society 6

One of the sites that’s fuelling my passion for posters these days is Society 6. It offers an extensive collection of super-affordable photography, illustration and design prints. I just wish it offered better search functionality. As it is, you can’t refine browsing or searching much, so you have to wade through many (sometimes more than 100) pages. All the same, check it out. 

Clockwise from top left: Made in Portland 1 by Aurélie Grand, An Army of Imagination by Thomas Eppolito, Curtain Call by Brownstock, Showtime! By Powerpig, Approaching the Finish, 2008 by Joseph R. Duba, I Liked the Moon Better Before It Got All Touristey by Brandon Spence, Eiffel Tower by Gabriela Da Costa, Libertarian Swan by Teo Zirinis

will’s wish fulfillment

Image from Portland Center Stage

If you’re in the Portland area, and you don’t have tickets to Shakespeare’s Amazing Cymbeline yet, get them now.

I mean it.

Perhaps the very notion of Shakespeare makes you wary. That’s understandable. Many Shakespearean productions are stale or trying too hard to be fresh, modern or approachable. This one was none of those things.

It was lovely and I enjoyed every aspect of it—Chris Coleman’s adaptation of it, the staging, the costumes, and of course, the fabulously versatile cast (I don’t know how most of them managed to change seemingly intricate costumes—and characters—so quickly). I really want to say more about the production, especially the adaptation, but I also don’t want to give anything away.

So see it already. Unless you don’t live in PDX, and then you can ask just ask me about why I thought it was brilliant.  

a look at regrets

Thanks to a link from Swiss Miss, I read an article in the Guardian about the patterns a palliative caregiver found among her dying patients’ regrets. Among these patients, she found the top five regrets to be:

1.  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. 
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5.   I wish that I had let myself be happier.

I suspect many far-from-dying people want many or all of the things reflected in these regrets—to be able to live and speak freely, to maintain friendships, to work less and be happier. But they are things that can be easy to give up on or let slip away when the pace of daily life and the comfort of familiarity drown out our desires.

What would it take to keep these wants from being regrets? What can we do so that our deathbed regrets are more trivial or nonexistent?  

We don’t have forever to answer these questions, so I for one, want to get cracking (and in fact, I already have). 

wrongly withheld

Are you like everyone else in the neighborhood you live in, the organizations you belong to, the classes you choose to take or the church you attend? It’s not likely. You may have things in common, and sometimes those commonalities are pivotal, but eventually differences will emerge. What are the consequences of those differences? How significant do differences have to be before you put up a wall between yourself and the dissimilar person.

Last week, I posted the following on my FB wall.

“It seems to me that if we helped only people and organizations that shared our views 100 percent, nothing good would ever be accomplished. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.”

Well, I’m a big-fat-liar, because I am going to say more about it here.

Yes, my post was sparked by the Komen/Planned Parenthood flap. I was sad to think that help might be denied to women who needed breast cancer screenings—simply because of where they had the screening (a place that may have been their only realistic option for getting checked). I was sad that one part of PP, a part I wouldn’t think anyone would object to, was essentially being penalized because of another part of PP that many people do. I was sad help was being withheld for ideological or political reasons. And I was reminded of someone who never withheld help like that, but instead raised eyebrows because of the people he helped and the places he went. 

The other thing that struck me was how many people were prepared to withdraw support from Komen because of the support it withdrew from PP. That seems hypocritical to me, considering all the other positive things the organization was doing.

Tell me, whatever happened to the idea of unconditional love, anyway? 

cues vs. vibes

What qualities do we pick up about new people, animals, places or situations without realizing it and without getting any overt cues?

When I went to retrieve Jade, a new (to me) horse,  from his stall, I was suddenly flooded with memories of my material grandfather. I didn’t know why. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

As my lesson wrapped up, my instructor said something about Jade’s turnout flexibility that connected the dots.

“Every horse gets along with Jade.”

I suddenly remembered my mom saying, “Everyone got along with Grandpa.”

Did Jade give off signals that indicated amiability—an amiability that reminded me of my grandfather’s personality? If so, what were they?

The thing is, I do believe there was some sort of signal, but I do NOT believe it was a case of  supernatural or paranormal “vibes.”

I think people who get a vibe about something are actually receiving physical or sensory clues about something, but they’re just so subtle that they go unnoticed.

Or perhaps as a species we’ve just become too over stimulated to pay attention to nuances and certain details. 

as in riding, as in life

Saturday’s lesson started poorly but ended up being a breakthrough. The key we used to unlock Smokie’s bad habits at the canter turned out to work on other issues, too. And they probably work on my issues, too.

“The lesson here is to just keep Smokie moving forward.”

—Jackie H. 

unloved independents

Hey fellas, here’s something you may not have known. The women who appear to be fully self-sufficient or “have it all together” still need you. They still need and want love (not just luuuuuuuvvvv).

And if they seem a little aloof sometimes, or if they’re guarded with their affections, perhaps it’s because they expect you will eventually leave them for someone seemingly more vulnerable than they are—the young and non-established or the damsels in some sort of distress (struggling single moms seem especially popular).

Maybe it’s time you looked a little closer at these women who don’t appear to need anything or anyone. Maybe they deserve another date or two with you so that you’ll discover that they really do like you.

I don’t know what it will take to convince you. But as with many things, it’s good to remember things aren't always what they seem.

poignant interruption

Reading of his hands

Shaving her chemo-shaped scalp

We cry at our desks

99% bad habits

I don’t know why I clicked the link to John Cheese’s The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor, since it was posted by someone with sanctimonious tendencies, but click on it I did. And I liked it. He brings up some great points, highlighting some recognizable behaviors of the 99 percent and busting at least one stereotype about those at or below the poverty line.

Just recognizing and considering most of these habits can help change them, but the first habit on the list isn’t as easy. How is someone with a low income supposed to eat in a healthy way when the healthiest foods are the most expensive, the most perishable or both?

Is this where community (or personal, if possible) gardens can help?

Am I becoming a hippie?

Answers: I don’t know; Perhaps; Not as long as I love designer shoes I’m not.

women in batman’s world

Reading Brian Enk’s The 7 best unproduced Batman screenplays (and what happened) got me thinking about the women of the Batman universe. I recoiled when I read that one screenplay planned to feature Madonna playing Harley Quinn as Joker’s daughter, which is a version of Harley that’s not even close to the one I secretly wanted to be after watching Batman: the Animated Series.

Then I realized that some time ago any version of Harley lost her appeal to me. She is too ditzy and childish. And when she’s portrayed not as Joker’s daughter but as the former psychiatrist the Joker subverted to become a lover he could manipulate and abuse, she represents an archetype I never want to be.  

So I wondered which of the women in Batman’s life I would want to be.

I immediately thought of Catwoman, who has such a strong power and allure. But the thing is, she’s almost too strong. She’s such a defined vixen-bitch that ultimately she’s not that interesting (I know many, many men would disagree, but they’re not really concerning themselves with mental and emotional dimensionality. Ahem.) Sidebar: To me, Talia al Ghul shares many of Catwoman’s characteristics, and without the kickass costume, she’s never been someone to emulate.

Despite the name connection, I have no interest in being like Poison Ivy either. I never have. She’s self-righteous, which negates much of the intelligence and beauty she has.

No, the woman I find to be most interesting, and the one I’d most like to emulate, is actually one who doesn’t receive the honor of being called a woman at all (although she should). She’s Barbara Gordon as Batgirl. She is a complex, strong, clever, beautiful woman who does not have über-bitch dominatrix tendencies, but instead displays acts of nobility and kindness. Unfortunately, women don’t seem to be allowed to have such depth in Batman’s world, so the writers kept her as a not-quite-grown-up daughter figure (the girl in Batgirl) and then they crippled her, allowing her to be smart, but less physically alluring, as a wheelchair-bound Oracle. Even so, she’s the one I’d want to be. Because she, in many ways, is a paradox. 

northwestern snow

As I was driving home Tuesday night, my car was nearly hit by another vehicle. I was on Thompson, between Skyline and Miller, headed down the hill. Snow was still on the road. And it had become slick. Four of us were driving through the twists and turns cautiously. But the driver of a fifth car, the SUV behind me, had other ideas in mind. He or she decided to drive as if the icy compacted snow was no big deal. I saw the headlights in my rear view mirror get closer and closer, and thankfully saw when the vehicle started to fishtail. I was remarkably able to get out of the way, and there was just enough distance in my absence for the SUV to get under control before careening into car that had been in front of me. I was left less shaken than stirred into anger by the arrogance of the SUV driver. I would not be surprised to learn that this person was among the many Oregon transplants who scoff at how the natives drive in snow.

I was preparing a blog entry on why driving in the Portland area when it snows might be different than when it snows in other areas, but Art Thiel did it for me. His article, Critics of Seattle in Snow: Shut the Hell up, could apply to critics of Portland snow, too. He addresses how hills, a snow-melt-refreeze cycle, the issue of paying taxes for equipment and labor that is needed only .5 to 2 percent of the year, and even our abundance of trees can contribute to driving conditions unlike most other places in the continental U.S. when it snows. They are all valid points. And those of us who grew up here understand they are valid reasons for going a little slower (not granny-slow, just slower) at times when snow’s on the road.

But I don’t disagree with transplants about one thing: the news coverage. Dear Local News Teams, yes, I do want to know about road conditions, but I think you can do provide that information more succinctly and direct viewers to websites for more information. Watching reporters talk to residents of various metro area neighborhoods is not really necessary or interesting. It’s a joke, and it’s not helping the native’s reputation for needlessly freaking out in snow. 

tinker tailor soldier spy

As you may know from an earlier post, I was jazzed about seeing this movie. In addition to the phenomenal cast, I was  drawn to the story that was hinted at in the previews (I haven’t read the John Le Carré novel, so I wasn’t familiar with the story).

The cast was indeed brilliant.

And the story? Well, that’s where I was a little disappointed. It was not nearly as intriguing as I expected, and it was also presented in a manner that I thought was much too disjointed.

Yet, I am so glad I saw it because it’s visual perfection. Every visual aspect of the movie—from cinematography, lighting and art direction to props*, wardrobe and hair styling—takes the audience back in time and keeps them there so it almost stops feeling like anyone watching is from the future. I don’t know how they were able to pull that off, but it was a trick worth witnessing.

Although I didn’t need to witness it in a theatre.

Which is my way of saying that it’s something you should see, but not until it’s available for your Netflix queue.

*  I really want one of the posters hung on the walls of “The Circus,” but I haven’t had any luck so far. Yes, I can find posters for the movie. I just can’t find posters that were in the movie (or rather reproductions of them).

girl book v. movie

Last weekend I saw The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, and there’s one thing I’ve got to say right away.

I disagree with the friends and reviewers who say the movie is much more about Lisbeth Salander than the Vanger mystery Mikael Blomkvist is trying to solve. I found the opposite to be the case, which was how it should be in terms of remaining true to the book. Both the book and the movie intersperse glimpses of Salander’s life with the main plot (the Vanger mystery) until she’s finally brought into the mystery herself when Blomkvist begins working with her. It’s a technique that I thought was spot-on in both instances.

Of course the movie does cut a significant amount of the book. The cuts were welcome in the case of the Blomkvist’s legal trouble—and Millennium’s related financial issues. I found those threads to be a little tiresome in the book. However, they are minimized so much that someone who had not read the book might be confused by the movie. What I missed in the movie was Salander’s interactions with her employer Dragan Armansky, who is a great character who becomes increasingly important in Stieg Larsson’s Millennium trilogy. It’s also too bad the filmmakers decided to turn him into a pretty boy, which I didn’t sense in the book.

The horrifying violence between Salander and Bjurman in the book almost prevented me from seeing the movie. Friends have said they didn’t think it was as bad in the movie, and I agree that there certainly weren’t as many instances as there were in the book. But the actual acts in the movie had an eeriness to them that felt even worse than how they were described in the book. I think that had to due with Yorick van Wageningen’s performance and David Fincher’s direction.

On the subject of the performances, I have to say I enjoyed all of them. With the exception of Armansky and Salander’s original guardian, Palmgren, I thought the casting was perfect. And that surprised me. I was prepared to dislike Rooney Mara (part of me really wanted to see what Emma Watson would have brought to the role—there was a quality in her Burberry ads and her performance in The Prisoner of Azkaban that made me wonder), but she owned the role. 

Owned it, I tell you.

Finally, if you saw the movie but didn’t read the book, I recommend doing so now and reading the other two books in the series in preparation for the other movies (assuming they’re made; or if you decide to watch the Swedish versions). They’ll help you have an even better understanding of Salander, which makes Mara’s performances even more amazing. 

emotional illusion

You can’t figure me,

since I’m opaque when I want

to be transparent

playful discovery

This morning I was browsing the delightful L’Affiche Moderne and the following photo stopped me. 

 I love the way it conveys that reality can be a puzzle. And I love that the immediate “why didn’t I think of that” thought led to a “seriously, you could do something like that” thought.

Don’t mistake these thoughts as dismissiveness. I am actually inspired by the artist.

He’s made me consider what might be possible if I played around a bit when I’m putting together imagery for lierrepoet or lierrestudio. There is so much I can manipulate in even the simplest image apps (and—as much as it pains me to admit this—the publishing layout view in Word), that there’s no telling what I might discover when experimenting. Of course, these playful discoveries might be more likely in Photoshop, and I do hope to have it someday.

Being more playful is something you might do, as well, whether it involves photography, painting, music, video, sewing, cooking or just about anything artful. You might create something distinctive as you play with techniques, materials or ingredients. A mistake or misstep en route to your goal might lead you somewhere that’s more interesting for you and captivating to others.

I know these thoughts aren’t new, but I was glad to get a reminder to be curious and unafraid to play. I hope you are, too. 

books live

If you haven’t seen the books come to life in the video below, you should. Even if you have, perhaps you should again. (And don’t forget this magical book video either.)

anti-lullaby

Rain’s interrupted
Bass thwarts my thin bedroom wall
The neighbors love rap

breathe, see, open

Relax.

Watch things unfold.

And when the opportunity you’ve been hoping for appears (as it surely will), be fearless.

Fearless, I tell you.


Tonight, the role of The Cheerleading Fortune Cookie will be played by Ms. Lierre.

lovely resolutions

You’ve probably already seen the To Resolve Project if you check out Swiss Miss (and if you’re not, do I really have to tell you again that you must?). If you haven’t, check out my favorites below, then head over to the site to download your favorites, which will make excellent wallpaper for your iPhone.

P.S. to Ali: Guess which one I think should be a joint resolution?

Credits (clockwise from top left): Liz Cook, Matt McCracken, Michelle Beuthling, Travis Ladue, Brian Yohn, Lydia Nicols, Melanie Leduc, Jonathan Mak